Friday, March 15, 2013

Codbag in a bottle

Today we tried to sneak one by the man and got called on it.  Turns out we ran out of some acoustic sealant and oversold it on eBay.  Our bad.  Upon discovering the mistake we sent the buyer an apology, explained the SNAFU and initiated a full refund. 
Here is what we got in response:
“I'm not sure that is my problem. I bought it. We have a contract and you are not providing the product. I would recommend that you buy some more stock and ship 2 to me. This is ebay. There are rules.”
I love the closing sentiment. I imagine this guy’s inner image of himself… a Charlton Heston-like character at the front of an old-timey court room gruffly bellowing, “This is Ebay, Damn it! There are Rules!”

Unfortunately, the rest of us just see him as a pathetic, blow-hard, Codbag.  So, as is my way, belligerence begat belligerence. I considered threatening to buy two tubes of acoustic sealant, fly to DC and permanently sound-proof his ass.  But then I had an epiphany: The problem with the internet is anonymity. This guy sits in some dark, smoke-stained office with fake wood paneling just fuming about his wasted life and every once in a while he gets an opportunity to lash out at someone he’s never met and try to make their life as miserable as his, comfortable in the knowledge that he will never have to look that person in the eye. And then it struck me.  The way to fight anonymity is to make it personal.  Conveniently enough, I had his address from PayPal so I did a little drive by via Google Street view.  I learned all sorts of stuff. 
Here was my response:
As you sit in the park bench on the porch of your two-story brick condo, gazing out at the silver reflection ball in your rock garden, ask yourself three questions:
1. Is it Tuesday? Because if it is it’s street sweeping day and you need to move your green Toyota.
2. Why don’t I have more friends?
3. Am I being watched?
While none of these questions will get you the acoustic sealant you so desperately want, nor will they give you much comfort, they may help you be less of a dick and that, in the end, is all any of us ever wanted for you.  Sleep well.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Cat Game

I just couldn't help myself. So rarely do I get a chance to quote Super Troopers. I had this interaction today regarding a lizard terrarium:
To whom it may concern
i would like to buy this item mow if at all possible?
- orchidbytes
Our Response:
Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Meow, I'm gonna sell this to you but I don't want to hear any more of this funny business.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

King of the Nerds

Below is recent interaction between my new shipping person and a glorious Cod-Bag.

We wrote:
It looks as if we are out of this product. My listing person is out until Monday. I will have her issue a full refund then. I'm sorry for the inconvenience

Within minutes we received this response (yes in this color):
it doesn't take a "listing person" to issue a refund -- please do it now. if you wait until monday, then your feedback will reflect both the fact that you don't have a product that you list and that you give lame excuses to leave the customer hanging for days.

please, just go to your paypal account and issue the refund right now.
John Tribone
Abacus Bookshop

Two things:
First, Punctuation! Capitalization! Punctuation! Capitalization! You work at a fucking bookstore for Christ’s sake!

And second, How dare you presume to dictate policies and procedures to my people?  You may be the tyrannical king of the bookworms in your world, but to me you’re just a shit stain on Dewey Decimal’s shoe.

Here’s the thing, dick. You just announced you’re leaving negative feedback no matter what, so why should we break our asses to comply with your psychotic demands? In fact, I have just decided to add several layers to our already oppressive bureaucracy. Hence forth, in order to issue a refund, several confusing forms will need to be submitted, reviewed, and shuffled between departments.  Once all paperwork is stamped, collated, and paper-clipped it shall be placed in a yellow, no wait, a blue folder and filed under "pending review" in the cabinet upstairs in the conference room we never use. Then on the third Monday of every month we'll have a pizza party and vote on refunds. If a refund is approved we will send instructions to Paypal via registered US mail. Granted, we could just do it electronically, but I find Cod-bags like yourself tend to be litigious assholes, so better to dot our I’s and cover our asses with redundant documentation. Don't you agree?

So, Tri-Boner, while you’re waiting for your refund, you might wander over to the self-help section of your store and grab a book on anger management. If fact, you better grab a couple… It could be a while.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Ass End

Here's a new one:

ascensionmotorsports writes:

The item was purchased @ 1336 pacific time, your time zone on 1/8. The item was in stock, why is this item not making it into the hands of the postal service until 1/10?

My response:

Well Ass-End Motorsports. (I hope I pronounced that correctly.) First, let me thank you for your pathologically accurate time-keeping. I will attempt to be equally anal in my response.

As you stated, you placed your order at 13:36 on Tuesday, the eighth. My shipping person cuts out every day at 15:00, when UPS picks up. 1 hour and 24 minutes after you clicked “Buy It Now.”  The next morning, the ninth, she started her shift at 08:30 and picked all of her orders for the day. At 10:00 USPS picked up the previous day’s orders.  (If you’re following along at home, that is three working hours after your order.) My gal proceeded work her ass off all day, shipping 50-plus orders to ungrateful fuckers like yourself and, after 6 and a half hours, she hit the clock to go volunteer with the local fire department, then she proceeded home to cook dinner for her family.

Your shipment sat all night long until the USPS guy showed up promptly at 10AM on the 10th, less than 45 hours after you placed your order.

For future reference, economy shipping is free for a reason.  Next time you might consider expedited shipping, or better yet, get off your ass and go to the parts store. They’ll hand it right to you.