Hey, nice transmission. Can you find me some insurance?

I had to post this... I got this scam response for a remanufactured transmission I listed in Craigslist this morning. I nearly fell for it. The way the author uses terms like "wholly keen" and "advert" makes me feel like I'm speaking with one of my buddies at the bar over hot wings. Apparently, the guy is interested in my transmission and likes the form factor. He also wants me to get him some insurance quotes. I didn't even know you could insure a transmission. You learn something new every day.

i caught a glimpse of your vehicle in advert in Craigslist. it g0t a groovy form similar to what im seeking for. im wholly keen in acquiring it and i have by this time set aside the cash for a vehicle. what are m0re inf0rmation must i kn0w about y0ur vehicle? and one m0re thing ab0ut insurance, i need to grasp how much will it c0st s0 i can be aware how much i will pay. can u do me a small favor and g0 t0 this site - http://XXXXXXX.webs.com/compareinstantinsuranceqoutes2009.html - please n0tify me the rate 0f the m0st basic auto insurance package there. thank you very much. Please feel free t0 c0ntact me if y0u have any questi0ns 0r c0ncerns. e-mail message trace ID: pmwobqjgbbn-2630037567-pd8e

A New Breed

Here’s a Cod-Bag we deal with regularly. He is the Domestic Blow-Hard Advice-Giving Cod-Bag of North America. These clever creatures are typically late to leave the nest, often dwelling in their parents’ basements until late into their thirties. They have many jobs over the course of a lifetime and seem to acquire an exhaustive knowledge of every industry with which they come into contact. To the layman it appears that they can’t hold down a job. However, careful observation reveals that they almost immediately become smarter than any employer and subsequently find their bosses to be foolish and insolent. They become frustrated when co-workers refuse to heed their omniscient advice and eventually must vacate their menial jobs in order to collect unemployment until some other fool will hire them.

One such Cod-Bag recently e-mailed us a question about an on-board computer for the trucking industry. Here is the annotated thread:

Cod-Bag:

THERE IS NOT A PICTURE OF THE EXTERIOR ANTENNA/WHITE DOME, THE SMALL CELL PHONE ANTENNA SHOWN IS FOR OPTIONAL PAGER TO LET DRIVER KNOW THERE WAS AN INCOMING MESSAGE, IF THIS IS A COMPLETE SYSTEM THERE MUST BE A DOME/ANTENNA. PLEASE VERIFY BEFORE I BID. THX

This is the blow-hard behavior. Proving to the world that he is smarter than you and knows everything possible about the item you are selling. This is accentuated by the use of all caps. The reader can almost imagine the Cod-Bag in a small cafeteria, sharing a loud story about his neighbor’s fence encroaching on his property… “Blah, blah, 1932 survey, blah, blah, blah, GPS technology… Blah, Blah I know a lawyer… blah. “

My response was curt, but professional:

If the component is not in the photo or itemized in the listing, it is not included. These were complete working systems pulled out of a local P&D operation.

And now for the advice-giving behavior for which this species is known:

then i suggest you either check for the dome or revise yur auction, because without the white dome/antenna they are not complete systems

Oh, Cod-Bag, you crack me up. Every time I sight one it is like the very first time. My response:

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about. This is a local P&D [Pick-up and Delivery]system, not OTR [Over the Road]. QualComm builds a myriad of systems and, unless you are their VP of product development, you probably don't know even half of them.

I invite you to keep your advice to yourself. Have a great day.

I am thinking about developing an illustrated field guide for cod-bag aficionados. I think it would be helpful for budding Cod-Bag enthusiasts as well. Look for it at your local Barnes and Nobel soon.

Monday Morning Inbox Blues

God I hate Mondays.

I typically ignore eBay over the weekend because it only serves to piss me off when I am trying to spend time with my family. Unfortunately the questions just pile up and by Monday morning there is a mountain of stupidity in my inbox.

This morning has been exceptionally entertaining and I thought I would share a couple highlights.

Question Number One:
We are selling Hookah Pipe Leads. (Freight salvage provides a diverse product mix.) These things are advertised as replacement vaporizer parts for herbal remedies but everyone knows they are for smoking pot. Here’s the question I got:

How efficient is this whip with herbs?

Now I know dope smokers can convert grams to pounds to ounces and divide any number by 8 faster than Big Blue, but I did not realize the depth of their scientific prowess. I have no idea how you would measure the “efficiency” of a bong, but this was my answer.

Using which scale? Erschock's or Vopenheimer's?

Question Number Two:
This one needs no lead-up. Standard Cod-Bag:

I kwould like to purchase this item but I have 2 item strikes within the last year. I have over 1500 feedback, I just had an issue regaurding the method of payment with two sellers.

My Response:

Bummer

Dflab, here's a hint. If your sentence doesn't end in a question mark, it may not be a question.

I am kinda curious what type of payment method confusion there was. I’ve had that problem before. I tried to pay a Craigslist prostitute with roses. Well, to be honest, first I tried to chisel her down to 200 daffodils and when her pimp showed up I hauled out the roses, but by then it was too late. He beat the crap out of me and crammed the roses... well, lets just say, I had no idea proctologists made that much money.

I feel your pain dflab from North Dakota. I really do.

Cod-Bag of Major Warehouse Store Proportions

By now I hope everyone has discovered peopleofwalmart.com. If not, go there as soon as you finish this story. While the people there are pathetically comical, this individual has risen above the rest and joined the Cod-Bag elite.

Phillip R. Wright, 41, of Monroe, Louisiana tried to return some items to Wal-Mart, but was jilted when the store would not accept his merchandise.

So Wright did what any reasonable CodBag would do -- he started a fire in the men's clothing department. As he fled the scene, raging flames triggered the store’s sprinkler system which proceeded to ruin over half a million dollars-worth of store fixtures and merchandise.

His point being made, one would assume Mr. Wright would go home, flop down in a big, green, ass-smelling recliner and crack a well-deserved PBR, but not Phillip. No sir. Deputies arrested him two hours later in line at the Return Counter of another Wal-Mart.

Phillip… Not only are you a Cod-Bag, you are an exceptionally dumb Cod-Bag. Please proceed to this link to view your CERTIFICATE.