Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feed your F*cking Turtle!

Sometimes the annoying little CodBags build up and eventually I just have to vent. Jag-offs like this woman piss me off because they obviously don’t value their own time much less anyone else’s. But we’re all afraid of negative feedback so we are forced to treat them like real human beings as opposed to the window-licking, mouth-breathing, time-wasting fungus eaters that they are.

Today I get this e-mail regarding a 15-oz jar of turtle food we have on eBay:

Q: Would you send me the food for a total of $5?? (my ZIP is 91730) Over the net you can find it between $2 and $4.. But I need ASAP (my red eared turtle is hungry. I need the fod for him ASAP and I trust you'll send it immediatelly... Thanks in advance Waiting for a prompt annswer Kind Regards Bea'

Obviously Bea is in a hurry. So much so that she can’t spell-check or punctuate her email. So I pose to her this question: Do you want your product fast or cheap? Because, in my experience, the two are mutually exclusive. This is a 15-oz item. Let’s assume I can adequately wrap this in less than one ounce of material, (which I can’t), bringing the total weight to one pound. Priority mail will cost me $4.95 to ship to your zip code, leaving me a nickel to cover my cost of goods. Oh, wait, I forgot that I already paid eBay $0.35 for my listing. Oh, yeah, plus the 8% Final Value Fee… 40 cents more and of course there is the PayPal’s Fee, another $0.45. So you are asking me to lose $1.15 so you can feed your pathetic excuse for a pet.

Here’s a better idea you broke-ass piece of crap. Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil, toss in a sliced carrot, a packet of ramen and your beloved Tipsy the Turtle. Let boil for ten minutes, reduce to a simmer and salt to taste. Serve on the half-shell. There’s no reason for you both to starve.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

CodBag Hat-Trick. This guy is a triple-trhreat

So My jack-ass buddy from New York popped up again today with yet more abuse. Now remember, the most inflammatory thing I have done to this guy's face is to offer him a full refund for a TV FedEx damaged. Here is the e-Mail he sent last night, 5 hours after we signed for the package.
Where is my refund? I was supposed to get it last week when we had spoken....??? This whole thing is odd. You have $1000 insurance out on this and are getting a claim for 4 times wht it is worth. I would think that not only should I have had a timely refund, but something extra for my initial inconvenience incurred and all the time spent calling you, FedEx, etc...

What initial inconvenience you fuck-tard? Did you have to pull a redundant freight quote just to entertain some half-wit dolt? Have you persevered multiple phone calls from some twit with a chip on his shoulder? Did you have to file a freight claim? Please, Cod-Bag. Let me reimburse you for being such a giant pain in my ass.

With this little gem of an e-mail you are now in the running for CodBag of the year.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Once a CodBag…

This one started out as a classic CodBag and just got better.

We listed a cracked-screen Sony Bravia on eBay. It was big and heavy so we used the calculated shipping option. The listing ended and shortly after we got an e-mail requesting an invoice. EBay veterans know where this is going. Either the buyer is too retarded to use the PayPal checkout which clearly states the shipping OR they are setting you up to debate the shipping charges. In this case it was predictably the latter.
”Given that, you can definitely ship this for way less than $130, right? I just got the same television on another account and it was sent to me for just $70, and I sent a KDL-46V4100 from coast to coast NY to CA for $79. Please advise. Thanks for your time.”

OK CodBags, here’s the deal. The shipping is what the shipping is. When you bid on an item you need to factor in the PUBLISHED shipping just like everyone else. It is not up for negotiation after you have won the item.

I re-sent the original invoice and two days later I got a call. To his credit the guy played dumb and conned me into wasting 15 minutes getting him a shipping quote. Surprisingly the quote came out exactly the same as eBay’s quote… weird, right?

So I sent him the same invoice again and he called back asking me to squirrel the invoice around to roll the shipping up into the price of the item and show shipping as free so he could execute some trivial coupon scam on PayPal. “Oh, and by the way, I need it right away because my coupon expires today.”

Yes, CodBag. Please let me waste ten dollars of my time to save you ten dollars. What a douche.

Two days later we finally got payment and sent the thing via FedEx Home. CodBag, Dismissed.

But Wait! That was not the end of his CodBaggery.

Yesterday I got yet another call. I picked up the phone and identified myself in my traditional manner, “Coho, this is Tom.”
A rude New Yorker responded “What’s your name?”
“My name is Tom?”
How do you spell that?”
“It’s Tom, T – O – M. What can I do for you sir?”
“Its T – O – M, but you pronounce it Tome?”
If the caller ID hadn’t indicated New York I would have sworn I was being pranked by a friend.
But this guy was for real. I paused, collected my temper and calculated the fastest way out of this phone call.
“Sure,” I responded, “What can I do for you?”

It was our hearing impaired, post-auction negotiating, PayPal defrauding TV buddy. He proceeded to lay into me about how long it had taken for his TV to arrive and now the tracking number showed it being returned per shipper’s instructions, “What the hell?” he shouted, “When were you planning on telling me you weren’t sending me my TV?”

Still trying to take the high road, I looked up the shipment and, sure enough, it was on its way back and, per FedEx’s tracking info, it appeared to be my fault. But we hadn’t had any conversations with FedEx. Something was wrong. So I stumbled around for a minute trying to figure out what was going on and agreed to call FedEx and get some answers.

The girl on the other end was great. She looked it up and found that our broken TV had fallen off the conveyors and been broken in transit. “Oh no!” I exclaimed, “I hope it didn’t crack the screen.”

“I’m afraid so,” she empathized in a sexy Memphis drawl. “According to the notes, it appears to be a total loss.”

I expressed my gratitude for her help and quickly hung up before I was overtaken by an uncontrollable evil chortle. I then called Chase, the CodBag, explained that it was FedEx’s policy to return items they destroy in transit without attempting delivery. I faked an apology and offered him a full refund which he accepted.

So here is one of those cases where Tom’s an asshole, wins a moral victory and comes out on top financially. Man that new Bravia is going to look great in my living room. Thanks FedEx and thank you CodBag... If you hadn't been such a dick-head I might have felt bad about screwing you over. Muuuuuhhhhhhahahaha!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Negotiation 101 - "The Nancy"

Today I want to talk(write) about a negotiating tactic that we call the "Nancy". It's named after a customer that employed it to a humorous extent. It basically goes like this... "The stuff you're selling is

  • crappy quality

  • last year's model

  • a bad color

  • undesirable by any other purchaser

  • not the exact size or shape I want

  • not within a 5 mile radius of my house

  • I just don't have that much money

  • etc

so I'll be generous and offer you pennies on the dollar." In other words, they are saying that you have no idea what you're doing when you're pricing your products.

It's a simple negotiating tactic employed by people that don't really know much about negotiating but have probably had some success with it across from sellers that don't know much about negotiating. The counter for it is also simple. Just ignore everything that comes before the person's offer. What do you care about all the extra details they are throwing at you? If the situation was reversed, would that person sell the product at the lower price? No, they would sell it based on what the current market rate is defined by Google (just like you). Have them make an offer if you're flexible but above all, don't get into a discussion defending your pricing because they already know the comp prices and are trying to get you to drop your pants based on made up information.