Thursday, December 17, 2009

What would Jesus Pay?

What would Jesus Pay?

Normally I try to keep my local customers out of Cod-Bag. This is for two reasons. 1. On average, they are typically less cod-baggy than online customers and 2. Many of them know where I live. But today I am making an exception.

A regular walked into the store today and noticed a beautiful hand-carved totem pole that had just arrived. Now I should qualify that by the term “regular” I do not mean this person comes and spends money. To the contrary, he typically costs me money by engaging my employees in long-winded anecdotes about how smart, cool, and/or religious he is. This guy is one of those born-again Christians that is desperately trying to make up for past transgressions before being judged at the holy gates. I call them ‘Yeah-But Christians’. You know, when Saint Peter pulls up the Power Point of all the bad shit they did in their lives they want to have a list of last-minute good deeds in their pocket so they can say “Yeah, but… “

Anyway. This Cod-Bag walked into the store and spotted this 7-foot tall totem pole and bellowed, “How much you gonna’ ask for that?”
To which I replied, “$2,000.”
His belligerent Cod-Bag rebuttal was, “What’s my price?”
Mind you, I have negotiated with this guy before and he is the quintessential chiseler so I said, “For you, the price is $2,500 and we can work down from there.”
It was then that he decided to up the ante and bring a third party into the mix.
“What’s your price for Jesus?”

Now I’m not sure if he was negotiating on behalf of Jesus or if, for that instant, he thought he, himself, was the son of God. Regardless, my response was pretty abrupt. “Why, is Jesus short on cash? What the hell does Jesus want with a pagan talisman anyway? As false idols go, I would think totem poles are up there on the list.”

His final response was an incoherent mumble as he walked back out the door.

And so it was that the momentary son of God drove off in a shitty old Ford, defeated and totem-less.

The moral of our story is this: The day God can’t afford to pay full retail we’re all screwed.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Craigslist Classics - December 09 Edition

I'm starting a new column here on called Craigslist Classics. Here we'll be posting some of our favorite Craigslist as responses and dissecting them with, just a little, sarcasm. I'd like to start off with one I recently received in response to a stainless RV tool rack system brand new in the box. It retails for $238 and we've listed it for $175(and we'd probably go to $150). Here's the eloquent response...

hello/ trailer came stock with some of these...don't rally need more...but if the price was right?...i'd think about it...i might pay 60-75...i dont care what they reatal for...i live on craigs with craigs prices...if not good luck selling it..thanks ralph in XXXX
  1. "...don't rally need more..." - Aaaah yes, the old tried and true "I don't really need what you're selling" so you should sell it to me at a fraction of your price. I hear this a lot and it's pretty ridiculous. To illustrate, walk into Home Depot and ask them to sell you 2x4 grade A lumber at 30% of retail because you don't really need the lumber right now but it would be nice to have around for when you do need it. I've done it and they just laugh.
  2. "... i live on craigs with craigs prices..." - If my price is on "craigs", as you call it, doesn't that make my price a "craigs" price by definition? In other words, any price I he doesn't like is not a "craigs" price.
  3. "if the price was right?... i'd think about it" - So I should come up with a price that I think you might like to pay. In other words, I should negotiate with myself.
  4. I care what they "reatal" for. As convincing as this argument is to me, it has never worked with my suppliers. The price I pay for things is the price they give me.
  5. What's with the punctuation? Is there ever call in the English language to use a foreslash? It looks like receiving end of a telegraph message. What does this guy's resume look like? I'd pay to see it.
  6. With the advent of spell-checkers in web browsers, is spelling words correctly really so tough? Most of the words this guy butchered were words that I used correctly in my ad. All he had to do was copy and paste from me.
Anyway, I shouldn't be too pissed off. At least it was a non phishing response.