Feed your F*cking Turtle!

Sometimes the annoying little CodBags build up and eventually I just have to vent. Jag-offs like this woman piss me off because they obviously don’t value their own time much less anyone else’s. But we’re all afraid of negative feedback so we are forced to treat them like real human beings as opposed to the window-licking, mouth-breathing, time-wasting fungus eaters that they are.

Today I get this e-mail regarding a 15-oz jar of turtle food we have on eBay:

Q: Would you send me the food for a total of $5?? (my ZIP is 91730) Over the net you can find it between $2 and $4.. But I need ASAP (my red eared turtle is hungry. I need the fod for him ASAP and I trust you'll send it immediatelly... Thanks in advance Waiting for a prompt annswer Kind Regards Bea'

Obviously Bea is in a hurry. So much so that she can’t spell-check or punctuate her email. So I pose to her this question: Do you want your product fast or cheap? Because, in my experience, the two are mutually exclusive. This is a 15-oz item. Let’s assume I can adequately wrap this in less than one ounce of material, (which I can’t), bringing the total weight to one pound. Priority mail will cost me $4.95 to ship to your zip code, leaving me a nickel to cover my cost of goods. Oh, wait, I forgot that I already paid eBay $0.35 for my listing. Oh, yeah, plus the 8% Final Value Fee… 40 cents more and of course there is the PayPal’s Fee, another $0.45. So you are asking me to lose $1.15 so you can feed your pathetic excuse for a pet.

Here’s a better idea you broke-ass piece of crap. Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil, toss in a sliced carrot, a packet of ramen and your beloved Tipsy the Turtle. Let boil for ten minutes, reduce to a simmer and salt to taste. Serve on the half-shell. There’s no reason for you both to starve.