What would Jesus Pay?

What would Jesus Pay?

Normally I try to keep my local customers out of Cod-Bag. This is for two reasons. 1. On average, they are typically less cod-baggy than online customers and 2. Many of them know where I live. But today I am making an exception.

A regular walked into the store today and noticed a beautiful hand-carved totem pole that had just arrived. Now I should qualify that by the term “regular” I do not mean this person comes and spends money. To the contrary, he typically costs me money by engaging my employees in long-winded anecdotes about how smart, cool, and/or religious he is. This guy is one of those born-again Christians that is desperately trying to make up for past transgressions before being judged at the holy gates. I call them ‘Yeah-But Christians’. You know, when Saint Peter pulls up the Power Point of all the bad shit they did in their lives they want to have a list of last-minute good deeds in their pocket so they can say “Yeah, but… “

Anyway. This Cod-Bag walked into the store and spotted this 7-foot tall totem pole and bellowed, “How much you gonna’ ask for that?”
To which I replied, “$2,000.”
His belligerent Cod-Bag rebuttal was, “What’s my price?”
Mind you, I have negotiated with this guy before and he is the quintessential chiseler so I said, “For you, the price is $2,500 and we can work down from there.”
It was then that he decided to up the ante and bring a third party into the mix.
“What’s your price for Jesus?”

Now I’m not sure if he was negotiating on behalf of Jesus or if, for that instant, he thought he, himself, was the son of God. Regardless, my response was pretty abrupt. “Why, is Jesus short on cash? What the hell does Jesus want with a pagan talisman anyway? As false idols go, I would think totem poles are up there on the list.”

His final response was an incoherent mumble as he walked back out the door.

And so it was that the momentary son of God drove off in a shitty old Ford, defeated and totem-less.

The moral of our story is this: The day God can’t afford to pay full retail we’re all screwed.