Cold War CodBag

Who knew my grandpa was purchasing crap on eBay from beyond the grave?

We received a bunch of locking cash deposit bags and, completely by mistake, erroneously described them as “Made in America.” Had we looked at the packaging rather than copy/paste the manufacturer's description we would have seen that, like 98% of the things bought and sold in America, these bags were “Imported from the Orient.”

Now let me apologize to Detroit in advance for my next statement. Detroit, I am sorry your cars suck so bad. Whew, I’m glad I got that off my chest, but I just don’t consider American craftsmanship worth seeking out. Never in my life have I chosen one product over another because it was made in America. Germany? Maybe. Japan? Of course. But never America.

But apparently at least one old codger out there differs with me on that subject. After receiving his cash bag this was his negative buyer feedback:

Please be honest , product made in RED CHINA, poor quality

That’s right, “RED CHINA.” Red China?… Is that a province of China? Maybe out by Tibet or up near Mongolia? I haven’t heard that term in decades. I’m pretty sure China is barely even communist at this point. They seem more capitalist than us in a lot of ways. Pillaging their environment for a profit, selling their kids’ futures for a buck, that’s our gig.

Anyway, I get it. If you’re a crusty old fart stuck in the Cold War you might be morally opposed to using products made in China. Granted this would be a nearly crippling stance to take, rendering the afflicted person a virtual shut-in, but I get it. So here’s the thing you old CodBag, turn off your 1984 wood console Zenith, pick up your AT&T bakelite rotary phone and call us. We’ll issue you a refund. Leaving negative feedback is over the top on this one. It sends a message to the rest of the world that I am something I am not.

So I was left with a dilemma. How to rebuff such a slanderous attack on my character. Obviously I couldn’t leave negative feedback. I am a seller and sellers aren’t allowed to be dissatisfied with transactions. No problem. I decided the only equitable response was to provide the world a skewed view of my buyer via positive feedback. See Below.

Choose Your Favorite Response:

I had to laugh at this one. Apparently we have the same item listed on eBay for two different prices. An unsuspecting CodBag purchased (as in actually paid for) two of the more expensive listing and then realized he had paid too much. Less than a minute later we got this lovely e-mail via eBay. (Please be advised the sender of this note is from New Jersey. Some of the content may not be suitable for reasonable human beings or small children.)

You are selling this same product in another listing
for $6.50. I want you to refund me $6 right away
through Paypal or cancel the order. You should pay
attention to your listings.

So now I need the help of our faithful followers. Should our response be:

A. We pay extreme attention to our listings and simply listed this more expensive item as a social experiment to see if there were any clinically retarded people using eBay. Early research indicates Yes, there is at least one retard using eBay.

B. Congratulations on your thorough price research. Simply impressive. Might I suggest in the future you do that type of thing BEFORE you purchase an item.

C. Thank you for your astute observation and free business advice. We shall take it under advisement. The candid words of a hot-headed half-wit are such a rare and valuable thing, one would be a fool not to take them to heart.

OR

D. Based on the over-the-top anger and outrage in your initial communication, I am dying to know what other negotiating tactics you have up your sleeve. It seems to me it doesn't really leave you much room for escalation. Therefore, out of pure morbid curiosity I must reply, "Go fuck yourself!" I look forward to your response.

Of coarse I plan on refunding this douche his money. I really have no reason not to, but I so enjoy torturing guys like this.

What would Jesus Pay?

What would Jesus Pay?

Normally I try to keep my local customers out of Cod-Bag. This is for two reasons. 1. On average, they are typically less cod-baggy than online customers and 2. Many of them know where I live. But today I am making an exception.

A regular walked into the store today and noticed a beautiful hand-carved totem pole that had just arrived. Now I should qualify that by the term “regular” I do not mean this person comes and spends money. To the contrary, he typically costs me money by engaging my employees in long-winded anecdotes about how smart, cool, and/or religious he is. This guy is one of those born-again Christians that is desperately trying to make up for past transgressions before being judged at the holy gates. I call them ‘Yeah-But Christians’. You know, when Saint Peter pulls up the Power Point of all the bad shit they did in their lives they want to have a list of last-minute good deeds in their pocket so they can say “Yeah, but… “

Anyway. This Cod-Bag walked into the store and spotted this 7-foot tall totem pole and bellowed, “How much you gonna’ ask for that?”
To which I replied, “$2,000.”
His belligerent Cod-Bag rebuttal was, “What’s my price?”
Mind you, I have negotiated with this guy before and he is the quintessential chiseler so I said, “For you, the price is $2,500 and we can work down from there.”
It was then that he decided to up the ante and bring a third party into the mix.
“What’s your price for Jesus?”

Now I’m not sure if he was negotiating on behalf of Jesus or if, for that instant, he thought he, himself, was the son of God. Regardless, my response was pretty abrupt. “Why, is Jesus short on cash? What the hell does Jesus want with a pagan talisman anyway? As false idols go, I would think totem poles are up there on the list.”

His final response was an incoherent mumble as he walked back out the door.

And so it was that the momentary son of God drove off in a shitty old Ford, defeated and totem-less.

The moral of our story is this: The day God can’t afford to pay full retail we’re all screwed.

Craigslist Classics - December 09 Edition

I'm starting a new column here on Codbag.com called Craigslist Classics. Here we'll be posting some of our favorite Craigslist as responses and dissecting them with, just a little, sarcasm. I'd like to start off with one I recently received in response to a stainless RV tool rack system brand new in the box. It retails for $238 and we've listed it for $175(and we'd probably go to $150). Here's the eloquent response...

hello/...my trailer came stock with some of these...don't rally need more...but if the price was right?...i'd think about it...i might pay 60-75...i dont care what they reatal for...i live on craigs with craigs prices...if not good luck selling it..thanks ralph in XXXX

1. "...don't rally need more..." - Aaaah yes, the old tried and true "I don't really need what you're selling" so you should sell it to me at a fraction of your price. I hear this a lot and it's pretty ridiculous. To illustrate, walk into Home Depot and ask them to sell you 2x4 grade A lumber at 30% of retail because you don't really need the lumber right now but it would be nice to have around for when you do need it. I've done it and they just laugh.
   
2. "... i live on craigs with craigs prices..." - If my price is on "craigs", as you call it, doesn't that make my price a "craigs" price by definition? In other words, any price I he doesn't like is not a "craigs" price.
3. "if the price was right?... i'd think about it" - So I should come up with a price that I think you might like to pay. In other words, I should negotiate with myself.
   
4. I care what they "reatal" for. As convincing as this argument is to me, it has never worked with my suppliers. The price I pay for things is the price they give me.
   
5. What's with the punctuation? Is there ever call in the English language to use a foreslash? It looks like receiving end of a telegraph message. What does this guy's resume look like? I'd pay to see it.
   
6. With the advent of spell-checkers in web browsers, is spelling words correctly really so tough? Most of the words this guy butchered were words that I used correctly in my ad. All he had to do was copy and paste from me.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too pissed off. At least it was a non phishing response.

Hey, nice transmission. Can you find me some insurance?

I had to post this... I got this scam response for a remanufactured transmission I listed in Craigslist this morning. I nearly fell for it. The way the author uses terms like "wholly keen" and "advert" makes me feel like I'm speaking with one of my buddies at the bar over hot wings. Apparently, the guy is interested in my transmission and likes the form factor. He also wants me to get him some insurance quotes. I didn't even know you could insure a transmission. You learn something new every day.

i caught a glimpse of your vehicle in advert in Craigslist. it g0t a groovy form similar to what im seeking for. im wholly keen in acquiring it and i have by this time set aside the cash for a vehicle. what are m0re inf0rmation must i kn0w about y0ur vehicle? and one m0re thing ab0ut insurance, i need to grasp how much will it c0st s0 i can be aware how much i will pay. can u do me a small favor and g0 t0 this site - http://XXXXXXX.webs.com/compareinstantinsuranceqoutes2009.html - please n0tify me the rate 0f the m0st basic auto insurance package there. thank you very much. Please feel free t0 c0ntact me if y0u have any questi0ns 0r c0ncerns. e-mail message trace ID: pmwobqjgbbn-2630037567-pd8e

A New Breed

Here’s a Cod-Bag we deal with regularly. He is the Domestic Blow-Hard Advice-Giving Cod-Bag of North America. These clever creatures are typically late to leave the nest, often dwelling in their parents’ basements until late into their thirties. They have many jobs over the course of a lifetime and seem to acquire an exhaustive knowledge of every industry with which they come into contact. To the layman it appears that they can’t hold down a job. However, careful observation reveals that they almost immediately become smarter than any employer and subsequently find their bosses to be foolish and insolent. They become frustrated when co-workers refuse to heed their omniscient advice and eventually must vacate their menial jobs in order to collect unemployment until some other fool will hire them.

One such Cod-Bag recently e-mailed us a question about an on-board computer for the trucking industry. Here is the annotated thread:

Cod-Bag:

THERE IS NOT A PICTURE OF THE EXTERIOR ANTENNA/WHITE DOME, THE SMALL CELL PHONE ANTENNA SHOWN IS FOR OPTIONAL PAGER TO LET DRIVER KNOW THERE WAS AN INCOMING MESSAGE, IF THIS IS A COMPLETE SYSTEM THERE MUST BE A DOME/ANTENNA. PLEASE VERIFY BEFORE I BID. THX

This is the blow-hard behavior. Proving to the world that he is smarter than you and knows everything possible about the item you are selling. This is accentuated by the use of all caps. The reader can almost imagine the Cod-Bag in a small cafeteria, sharing a loud story about his neighbor’s fence encroaching on his property… “Blah, blah, 1932 survey, blah, blah, blah, GPS technology… Blah, Blah I know a lawyer… blah. “

My response was curt, but professional:

If the component is not in the photo or itemized in the listing, it is not included. These were complete working systems pulled out of a local P&D operation.

And now for the advice-giving behavior for which this species is known:

then i suggest you either check for the dome or revise yur auction, because without the white dome/antenna they are not complete systems

Oh, Cod-Bag, you crack me up. Every time I sight one it is like the very first time. My response:

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about. This is a local P&D [Pick-up and Delivery]system, not OTR [Over the Road]. QualComm builds a myriad of systems and, unless you are their VP of product development, you probably don't know even half of them.

I invite you to keep your advice to yourself. Have a great day.

I am thinking about developing an illustrated field guide for cod-bag aficionados. I think it would be helpful for budding Cod-Bag enthusiasts as well. Look for it at your local Barnes and Nobel soon.

Monday Morning Inbox Blues

God I hate Mondays.

I typically ignore eBay over the weekend because it only serves to piss me off when I am trying to spend time with my family. Unfortunately the questions just pile up and by Monday morning there is a mountain of stupidity in my inbox.

This morning has been exceptionally entertaining and I thought I would share a couple highlights.

Question Number One:
We are selling Hookah Pipe Leads. (Freight salvage provides a diverse product mix.) These things are advertised as replacement vaporizer parts for herbal remedies but everyone knows they are for smoking pot. Here’s the question I got:

How efficient is this whip with herbs?

Now I know dope smokers can convert grams to pounds to ounces and divide any number by 8 faster than Big Blue, but I did not realize the depth of their scientific prowess. I have no idea how you would measure the “efficiency” of a bong, but this was my answer.

Using which scale? Erschock's or Vopenheimer's?

Question Number Two:
This one needs no lead-up. Standard Cod-Bag:

I kwould like to purchase this item but I have 2 item strikes within the last year. I have over 1500 feedback, I just had an issue regaurding the method of payment with two sellers.

My Response:

Bummer

Dflab, here's a hint. If your sentence doesn't end in a question mark, it may not be a question.

I am kinda curious what type of payment method confusion there was. I’ve had that problem before. I tried to pay a Craigslist prostitute with roses. Well, to be honest, first I tried to chisel her down to 200 daffodils and when her pimp showed up I hauled out the roses, but by then it was too late. He beat the crap out of me and crammed the roses... well, lets just say, I had no idea proctologists made that much money.

I feel your pain dflab from North Dakota. I really do.