What would Jesus Pay?

What would Jesus Pay?

Normally I try to keep my local customers out of Cod-Bag. This is for two reasons. 1. On average, they are typically less cod-baggy than online customers and 2. Many of them know where I live. But today I am making an exception.

A regular walked into the store today and noticed a beautiful hand-carved totem pole that had just arrived. Now I should qualify that by the term “regular” I do not mean this person comes and spends money. To the contrary, he typically costs me money by engaging my employees in long-winded anecdotes about how smart, cool, and/or religious he is. This guy is one of those born-again Christians that is desperately trying to make up for past transgressions before being judged at the holy gates. I call them ‘Yeah-But Christians’. You know, when Saint Peter pulls up the Power Point of all the bad shit they did in their lives they want to have a list of last-minute good deeds in their pocket so they can say “Yeah, but… “

Anyway. This Cod-Bag walked into the store and spotted this 7-foot tall totem pole and bellowed, “How much you gonna’ ask for that?”
To which I replied, “$2,000.”
His belligerent Cod-Bag rebuttal was, “What’s my price?”
Mind you, I have negotiated with this guy before and he is the quintessential chiseler so I said, “For you, the price is $2,500 and we can work down from there.”
It was then that he decided to up the ante and bring a third party into the mix.
“What’s your price for Jesus?”

Now I’m not sure if he was negotiating on behalf of Jesus or if, for that instant, he thought he, himself, was the son of God. Regardless, my response was pretty abrupt. “Why, is Jesus short on cash? What the hell does Jesus want with a pagan talisman anyway? As false idols go, I would think totem poles are up there on the list.”

His final response was an incoherent mumble as he walked back out the door.

And so it was that the momentary son of God drove off in a shitty old Ford, defeated and totem-less.

The moral of our story is this: The day God can’t afford to pay full retail we’re all screwed.

Craigslist Classics - December 09 Edition

I'm starting a new column here on Codbag.com called Craigslist Classics. Here we'll be posting some of our favorite Craigslist as responses and dissecting them with, just a little, sarcasm. I'd like to start off with one I recently received in response to a stainless RV tool rack system brand new in the box. It retails for $238 and we've listed it for $175(and we'd probably go to $150). Here's the eloquent response...

hello/...my trailer came stock with some of these...don't rally need more...but if the price was right?...i'd think about it...i might pay 60-75...i dont care what they reatal for...i live on craigs with craigs prices...if not good luck selling it..thanks ralph in XXXX

1. "...don't rally need more..." - Aaaah yes, the old tried and true "I don't really need what you're selling" so you should sell it to me at a fraction of your price. I hear this a lot and it's pretty ridiculous. To illustrate, walk into Home Depot and ask them to sell you 2x4 grade A lumber at 30% of retail because you don't really need the lumber right now but it would be nice to have around for when you do need it. I've done it and they just laugh.
   
2. "... i live on craigs with craigs prices..." - If my price is on "craigs", as you call it, doesn't that make my price a "craigs" price by definition? In other words, any price I he doesn't like is not a "craigs" price.
3. "if the price was right?... i'd think about it" - So I should come up with a price that I think you might like to pay. In other words, I should negotiate with myself.
   
4. I care what they "reatal" for. As convincing as this argument is to me, it has never worked with my suppliers. The price I pay for things is the price they give me.
   
5. What's with the punctuation? Is there ever call in the English language to use a foreslash? It looks like receiving end of a telegraph message. What does this guy's resume look like? I'd pay to see it.
   
6. With the advent of spell-checkers in web browsers, is spelling words correctly really so tough? Most of the words this guy butchered were words that I used correctly in my ad. All he had to do was copy and paste from me.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too pissed off. At least it was a non phishing response.

Hey, nice transmission. Can you find me some insurance?

I had to post this... I got this scam response for a remanufactured transmission I listed in Craigslist this morning. I nearly fell for it. The way the author uses terms like "wholly keen" and "advert" makes me feel like I'm speaking with one of my buddies at the bar over hot wings. Apparently, the guy is interested in my transmission and likes the form factor. He also wants me to get him some insurance quotes. I didn't even know you could insure a transmission. You learn something new every day.

i caught a glimpse of your vehicle in advert in Craigslist. it g0t a groovy form similar to what im seeking for. im wholly keen in acquiring it and i have by this time set aside the cash for a vehicle. what are m0re inf0rmation must i kn0w about y0ur vehicle? and one m0re thing ab0ut insurance, i need to grasp how much will it c0st s0 i can be aware how much i will pay. can u do me a small favor and g0 t0 this site - http://XXXXXXX.webs.com/compareinstantinsuranceqoutes2009.html - please n0tify me the rate 0f the m0st basic auto insurance package there. thank you very much. Please feel free t0 c0ntact me if y0u have any questi0ns 0r c0ncerns. e-mail message trace ID: pmwobqjgbbn-2630037567-pd8e

A New Breed

Here’s a Cod-Bag we deal with regularly. He is the Domestic Blow-Hard Advice-Giving Cod-Bag of North America. These clever creatures are typically late to leave the nest, often dwelling in their parents’ basements until late into their thirties. They have many jobs over the course of a lifetime and seem to acquire an exhaustive knowledge of every industry with which they come into contact. To the layman it appears that they can’t hold down a job. However, careful observation reveals that they almost immediately become smarter than any employer and subsequently find their bosses to be foolish and insolent. They become frustrated when co-workers refuse to heed their omniscient advice and eventually must vacate their menial jobs in order to collect unemployment until some other fool will hire them.

One such Cod-Bag recently e-mailed us a question about an on-board computer for the trucking industry. Here is the annotated thread:

Cod-Bag:

THERE IS NOT A PICTURE OF THE EXTERIOR ANTENNA/WHITE DOME, THE SMALL CELL PHONE ANTENNA SHOWN IS FOR OPTIONAL PAGER TO LET DRIVER KNOW THERE WAS AN INCOMING MESSAGE, IF THIS IS A COMPLETE SYSTEM THERE MUST BE A DOME/ANTENNA. PLEASE VERIFY BEFORE I BID. THX

This is the blow-hard behavior. Proving to the world that he is smarter than you and knows everything possible about the item you are selling. This is accentuated by the use of all caps. The reader can almost imagine the Cod-Bag in a small cafeteria, sharing a loud story about his neighbor’s fence encroaching on his property… “Blah, blah, 1932 survey, blah, blah, blah, GPS technology… Blah, Blah I know a lawyer… blah. “

My response was curt, but professional:

If the component is not in the photo or itemized in the listing, it is not included. These were complete working systems pulled out of a local P&D operation.

And now for the advice-giving behavior for which this species is known:

then i suggest you either check for the dome or revise yur auction, because without the white dome/antenna they are not complete systems

Oh, Cod-Bag, you crack me up. Every time I sight one it is like the very first time. My response:

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about. This is a local P&D [Pick-up and Delivery]system, not OTR [Over the Road]. QualComm builds a myriad of systems and, unless you are their VP of product development, you probably don't know even half of them.

I invite you to keep your advice to yourself. Have a great day.

I am thinking about developing an illustrated field guide for cod-bag aficionados. I think it would be helpful for budding Cod-Bag enthusiasts as well. Look for it at your local Barnes and Nobel soon.

Monday Morning Inbox Blues

God I hate Mondays.

I typically ignore eBay over the weekend because it only serves to piss me off when I am trying to spend time with my family. Unfortunately the questions just pile up and by Monday morning there is a mountain of stupidity in my inbox.

This morning has been exceptionally entertaining and I thought I would share a couple highlights.

Question Number One:
We are selling Hookah Pipe Leads. (Freight salvage provides a diverse product mix.) These things are advertised as replacement vaporizer parts for herbal remedies but everyone knows they are for smoking pot. Here’s the question I got:

How efficient is this whip with herbs?

Now I know dope smokers can convert grams to pounds to ounces and divide any number by 8 faster than Big Blue, but I did not realize the depth of their scientific prowess. I have no idea how you would measure the “efficiency” of a bong, but this was my answer.

Using which scale? Erschock's or Vopenheimer's?

Question Number Two:
This one needs no lead-up. Standard Cod-Bag:

I kwould like to purchase this item but I have 2 item strikes within the last year. I have over 1500 feedback, I just had an issue regaurding the method of payment with two sellers.

My Response:

Bummer

Dflab, here's a hint. If your sentence doesn't end in a question mark, it may not be a question.

I am kinda curious what type of payment method confusion there was. I’ve had that problem before. I tried to pay a Craigslist prostitute with roses. Well, to be honest, first I tried to chisel her down to 200 daffodils and when her pimp showed up I hauled out the roses, but by then it was too late. He beat the crap out of me and crammed the roses... well, lets just say, I had no idea proctologists made that much money.

I feel your pain dflab from North Dakota. I really do.

Cod-Bag of Major Warehouse Store Proportions

By now I hope everyone has discovered peopleofwalmart.com. If not, go there as soon as you finish this story. While the people there are pathetically comical, this individual has risen above the rest and joined the Cod-Bag elite.

Phillip R. Wright, 41, of Monroe, Louisiana tried to return some items to Wal-Mart, but was jilted when the store would not accept his merchandise.

So Wright did what any reasonable CodBag would do -- he started a fire in the men's clothing department. As he fled the scene, raging flames triggered the store’s sprinkler system which proceeded to ruin over half a million dollars-worth of store fixtures and merchandise.

His point being made, one would assume Mr. Wright would go home, flop down in a big, green, ass-smelling recliner and crack a well-deserved PBR, but not Phillip. No sir. Deputies arrested him two hours later in line at the Return Counter of another Wal-Mart.

Phillip… Not only are you a Cod-Bag, you are an exceptionally dumb Cod-Bag. Please proceed to this link to view your CERTIFICATE.

Feed your F*cking Turtle!

Sometimes the annoying little CodBags build up and eventually I just have to vent. Jag-offs like this woman piss me off because they obviously don’t value their own time much less anyone else’s. But we’re all afraid of negative feedback so we are forced to treat them like real human beings as opposed to the window-licking, mouth-breathing, time-wasting fungus eaters that they are.

Today I get this e-mail regarding a 15-oz jar of turtle food we have on eBay:

Q: Would you send me the food for a total of $5?? (my ZIP is 91730) Over the net you can find it between $2 and $4.. But I need ASAP (my red eared turtle is hungry. I need the fod for him ASAP and I trust you'll send it immediatelly... Thanks in advance Waiting for a prompt annswer Kind Regards Bea'

Obviously Bea is in a hurry. So much so that she can’t spell-check or punctuate her email. So I pose to her this question: Do you want your product fast or cheap? Because, in my experience, the two are mutually exclusive. This is a 15-oz item. Let’s assume I can adequately wrap this in less than one ounce of material, (which I can’t), bringing the total weight to one pound. Priority mail will cost me $4.95 to ship to your zip code, leaving me a nickel to cover my cost of goods. Oh, wait, I forgot that I already paid eBay $0.35 for my listing. Oh, yeah, plus the 8% Final Value Fee… 40 cents more and of course there is the PayPal’s Fee, another $0.45. So you are asking me to lose $1.15 so you can feed your pathetic excuse for a pet.

Here’s a better idea you broke-ass piece of crap. Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil, toss in a sliced carrot, a packet of ramen and your beloved Tipsy the Turtle. Let boil for ten minutes, reduce to a simmer and salt to taste. Serve on the half-shell. There’s no reason for you both to starve.