Hey, nice transmission. Can you find me some insurance?

I had to post this... I got this scam response for a remanufactured transmission I listed in Craigslist this morning. I nearly fell for it. The way the author uses terms like "wholly keen" and "advert" makes me feel like I'm speaking with one of my buddies at the bar over hot wings. Apparently, the guy is interested in my transmission and likes the form factor. He also wants me to get him some insurance quotes. I didn't even know you could insure a transmission. You learn something new every day.

i caught a glimpse of your vehicle in advert in Craigslist. it g0t a groovy form similar to what im seeking for. im wholly keen in acquiring it and i have by this time set aside the cash for a vehicle. what are m0re inf0rmation must i kn0w about y0ur vehicle? and one m0re thing ab0ut insurance, i need to grasp how much will it c0st s0 i can be aware how much i will pay. can u do me a small favor and g0 t0 this site - http://XXXXXXX.webs.com/compareinstantinsuranceqoutes2009.html - please n0tify me the rate 0f the m0st basic auto insurance package there. thank you very much. Please feel free t0 c0ntact me if y0u have any questi0ns 0r c0ncerns. e-mail message trace ID: pmwobqjgbbn-2630037567-pd8e

A New Breed

Here’s a Cod-Bag we deal with regularly. He is the Domestic Blow-Hard Advice-Giving Cod-Bag of North America. These clever creatures are typically late to leave the nest, often dwelling in their parents’ basements until late into their thirties. They have many jobs over the course of a lifetime and seem to acquire an exhaustive knowledge of every industry with which they come into contact. To the layman it appears that they can’t hold down a job. However, careful observation reveals that they almost immediately become smarter than any employer and subsequently find their bosses to be foolish and insolent. They become frustrated when co-workers refuse to heed their omniscient advice and eventually must vacate their menial jobs in order to collect unemployment until some other fool will hire them.

One such Cod-Bag recently e-mailed us a question about an on-board computer for the trucking industry. Here is the annotated thread:

Cod-Bag:

THERE IS NOT A PICTURE OF THE EXTERIOR ANTENNA/WHITE DOME, THE SMALL CELL PHONE ANTENNA SHOWN IS FOR OPTIONAL PAGER TO LET DRIVER KNOW THERE WAS AN INCOMING MESSAGE, IF THIS IS A COMPLETE SYSTEM THERE MUST BE A DOME/ANTENNA. PLEASE VERIFY BEFORE I BID. THX

This is the blow-hard behavior. Proving to the world that he is smarter than you and knows everything possible about the item you are selling. This is accentuated by the use of all caps. The reader can almost imagine the Cod-Bag in a small cafeteria, sharing a loud story about his neighbor’s fence encroaching on his property… “Blah, blah, 1932 survey, blah, blah, blah, GPS technology… Blah, Blah I know a lawyer… blah. “

My response was curt, but professional:

If the component is not in the photo or itemized in the listing, it is not included. These were complete working systems pulled out of a local P&D operation.

And now for the advice-giving behavior for which this species is known:

then i suggest you either check for the dome or revise yur auction, because without the white dome/antenna they are not complete systems

Oh, Cod-Bag, you crack me up. Every time I sight one it is like the very first time. My response:

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about. This is a local P&D [Pick-up and Delivery]system, not OTR [Over the Road]. QualComm builds a myriad of systems and, unless you are their VP of product development, you probably don't know even half of them.

I invite you to keep your advice to yourself. Have a great day.

I am thinking about developing an illustrated field guide for cod-bag aficionados. I think it would be helpful for budding Cod-Bag enthusiasts as well. Look for it at your local Barnes and Nobel soon.

Monday Morning Inbox Blues

God I hate Mondays.

I typically ignore eBay over the weekend because it only serves to piss me off when I am trying to spend time with my family. Unfortunately the questions just pile up and by Monday morning there is a mountain of stupidity in my inbox.

This morning has been exceptionally entertaining and I thought I would share a couple highlights.

Question Number One:
We are selling Hookah Pipe Leads. (Freight salvage provides a diverse product mix.) These things are advertised as replacement vaporizer parts for herbal remedies but everyone knows they are for smoking pot. Here’s the question I got:

How efficient is this whip with herbs?

Now I know dope smokers can convert grams to pounds to ounces and divide any number by 8 faster than Big Blue, but I did not realize the depth of their scientific prowess. I have no idea how you would measure the “efficiency” of a bong, but this was my answer.

Using which scale? Erschock's or Vopenheimer's?

Question Number Two:
This one needs no lead-up. Standard Cod-Bag:

I kwould like to purchase this item but I have 2 item strikes within the last year. I have over 1500 feedback, I just had an issue regaurding the method of payment with two sellers.

My Response:

Bummer

Dflab, here's a hint. If your sentence doesn't end in a question mark, it may not be a question.

I am kinda curious what type of payment method confusion there was. I’ve had that problem before. I tried to pay a Craigslist prostitute with roses. Well, to be honest, first I tried to chisel her down to 200 daffodils and when her pimp showed up I hauled out the roses, but by then it was too late. He beat the crap out of me and crammed the roses... well, lets just say, I had no idea proctologists made that much money.

I feel your pain dflab from North Dakota. I really do.

Cod-Bag of Major Warehouse Store Proportions

By now I hope everyone has discovered peopleofwalmart.com. If not, go there as soon as you finish this story. While the people there are pathetically comical, this individual has risen above the rest and joined the Cod-Bag elite.

Phillip R. Wright, 41, of Monroe, Louisiana tried to return some items to Wal-Mart, but was jilted when the store would not accept his merchandise.

So Wright did what any reasonable CodBag would do -- he started a fire in the men's clothing department. As he fled the scene, raging flames triggered the store’s sprinkler system which proceeded to ruin over half a million dollars-worth of store fixtures and merchandise.

His point being made, one would assume Mr. Wright would go home, flop down in a big, green, ass-smelling recliner and crack a well-deserved PBR, but not Phillip. No sir. Deputies arrested him two hours later in line at the Return Counter of another Wal-Mart.

Phillip… Not only are you a Cod-Bag, you are an exceptionally dumb Cod-Bag. Please proceed to this link to view your CERTIFICATE.

Feed your F*cking Turtle!

Sometimes the annoying little CodBags build up and eventually I just have to vent. Jag-offs like this woman piss me off because they obviously don’t value their own time much less anyone else’s. But we’re all afraid of negative feedback so we are forced to treat them like real human beings as opposed to the window-licking, mouth-breathing, time-wasting fungus eaters that they are.

Today I get this e-mail regarding a 15-oz jar of turtle food we have on eBay:

Q: Would you send me the food for a total of $5?? (my ZIP is 91730) Over the net you can find it between $2 and $4.. But I need ASAP (my red eared turtle is hungry. I need the fod for him ASAP and I trust you'll send it immediatelly... Thanks in advance Waiting for a prompt annswer Kind Regards Bea'

Obviously Bea is in a hurry. So much so that she can’t spell-check or punctuate her email. So I pose to her this question: Do you want your product fast or cheap? Because, in my experience, the two are mutually exclusive. This is a 15-oz item. Let’s assume I can adequately wrap this in less than one ounce of material, (which I can’t), bringing the total weight to one pound. Priority mail will cost me $4.95 to ship to your zip code, leaving me a nickel to cover my cost of goods. Oh, wait, I forgot that I already paid eBay $0.35 for my listing. Oh, yeah, plus the 8% Final Value Fee… 40 cents more and of course there is the PayPal’s Fee, another $0.45. So you are asking me to lose $1.15 so you can feed your pathetic excuse for a pet.

Here’s a better idea you broke-ass piece of crap. Bring a pot of water to a rolling boil, toss in a sliced carrot, a packet of ramen and your beloved Tipsy the Turtle. Let boil for ten minutes, reduce to a simmer and salt to taste. Serve on the half-shell. There’s no reason for you both to starve.

CodBag Hat-Trick. This guy is a triple-trhreat

So My jack-ass buddy from New York popped up again today with yet more abuse. Now remember, the most inflammatory thing I have done to this guy's face is to offer him a full refund for a TV FedEx damaged. Here is the e-Mail he sent last night, 5 hours after we signed for the package.

Where is my refund? I was supposed to get it last week when we had spoken....??? This whole thing is odd. You have $1000 insurance out on this and are getting a claim for 4 times wht it is worth. I would think that not only should I have had a timely refund, but something extra for my initial inconvenience incurred and all the time spent calling you, FedEx, etc...

What initial inconvenience you fuck-tard? Did you have to pull a redundant freight quote just to entertain some half-wit dolt? Have you persevered multiple phone calls from some twit with a chip on his shoulder? Did you have to file a freight claim? Please, Cod-Bag. Let me reimburse you for being such a giant pain in my ass.

With this little gem of an e-mail you are now in the running for CodBag of the year.

Once a CodBag…

This one started out as a classic CodBag and just got better.

We listed a cracked-screen Sony Bravia on eBay. It was big and heavy so we used the calculated shipping option. The listing ended and shortly after we got an e-mail requesting an invoice. EBay veterans know where this is going. Either the buyer is too retarded to use the PayPal checkout which clearly states the shipping OR they are setting you up to debate the shipping charges. In this case it was predictably the latter.

”Given that, you can definitely ship this for way less than $130, right? I just got the same television on another account and it was sent to me for just $70, and I sent a KDL-46V4100 from coast to coast NY to CA for $79. Please advise. Thanks for your time.”

OK CodBags, here’s the deal. The shipping is what the shipping is. When you bid on an item you need to factor in the PUBLISHED shipping just like everyone else. It is not up for negotiation after you have won the item.

I re-sent the original invoice and two days later I got a call. To his credit the guy played dumb and conned me into wasting 15 minutes getting him a shipping quote. Surprisingly the quote came out exactly the same as eBay’s quote… weird, right?

So I sent him the same invoice again and he called back asking me to squirrel the invoice around to roll the shipping up into the price of the item and show shipping as free so he could execute some trivial coupon scam on PayPal. “Oh, and by the way, I need it right away because my coupon expires today.”

Yes, CodBag. Please let me waste ten dollars of my time to save you ten dollars. What a douche.

Two days later we finally got payment and sent the thing via FedEx Home. CodBag, Dismissed.

But Wait! That was not the end of his CodBaggery.

Yesterday I got yet another call. I picked up the phone and identified myself in my traditional manner, “Coho, this is Tom.”
A rude New Yorker responded “What’s your name?”
“My name is Tom?”
“Tome?”
“Tom.”
How do you spell that?”
“It’s Tom, T – O – M. What can I do for you sir?”
“Its T – O – M, but you pronounce it Tome?”
If the caller ID hadn’t indicated New York I would have sworn I was being pranked by a friend.
But this guy was for real. I paused, collected my temper and calculated the fastest way out of this phone call.
“Sure,” I responded, “What can I do for you?”

It was our hearing impaired, post-auction negotiating, PayPal defrauding TV buddy. He proceeded to lay into me about how long it had taken for his TV to arrive and now the tracking number showed it being returned per shipper’s instructions, “What the hell?” he shouted, “When were you planning on telling me you weren’t sending me my TV?”

Still trying to take the high road, I looked up the shipment and, sure enough, it was on its way back and, per FedEx’s tracking info, it appeared to be my fault. But we hadn’t had any conversations with FedEx. Something was wrong. So I stumbled around for a minute trying to figure out what was going on and agreed to call FedEx and get some answers.

The girl on the other end was great. She looked it up and found that our broken TV had fallen off the conveyors and been broken in transit. “Oh no!” I exclaimed, “I hope it didn’t crack the screen.”

“I’m afraid so,” she empathized in a sexy Memphis drawl. “According to the notes, it appears to be a total loss.”

I expressed my gratitude for her help and quickly hung up before I was overtaken by an uncontrollable evil chortle. I then called Chase, the CodBag, explained that it was FedEx’s policy to return items they destroy in transit without attempting delivery. I faked an apology and offered him a full refund which he accepted.

So here is one of those cases where Tom’s an asshole, wins a moral victory and comes out on top financially. Man that new Bravia is going to look great in my living room. Thanks FedEx and thank you CodBag... If you hadn't been such a dick-head I might have felt bad about screwing you over. Muuuuuhhhhhhahahaha!